Communicating with Adults: As you progress from childhood into adolescence, communicating with adults (especially your parents) becomes more of a challenge than ever before. As a child your parents were often at the center of every conversation, yet as you have grown and matured that has become less and less true. Part of the lack of communication revolves around the idea that your parents “just don’t get you” and could in no possible way understand what is taking place in your world at this moment. It is important to understand that your parents, and other adults, often do understand what you are going through simply because they have been there themselves. Adults often are a valuable resource for teenagers that goes unused because the lines of communication are closed. And if you want to be honest with yourself, in most situations the lines are only closed on one end. Below are a few thoughts, ideas, and tips that might help you communicate better with your parents and other adults as you progress through one of the most monumental stages in your life. Your View vs. Their View A lot of changes take place in your life as you progress into the stage we term “adolescence”. Obviously, many physical changes are taking place in both males and females as their bodies grow and mature. However, often the more subtle changes take place as your mind begins to grow and change. The bodily changes are noticeable, mainly because physical changes are just that—physical. However, it is those processes that take place in the growing mind that are often overlooked and difficult to understand. These changes affect your relationships, both with friends and with your parents. As your mind grows, you begin to explore your own ideas, develop your own beliefs, and adopt your own personal values for life. The fact of the matter is that many of these ideas, beliefs, and values differ from those of your parents. This transition can often be shocking for both you and your parents because differing opinions can often be seen, by the parents, as you being rebellious to the very way you were raised. Your parents, from the day you were born, did what they felt was their very best to teach you how to be an independent person; yet often they expect an independent person who is dependent on the ideas, beliefs, and values by which they themselves have adopted and lived by. It is important to understand that these differing opinions about life do not have to be a wedge that drives you apart. As you become more confident in your ability to think for yourself and be an independent person, you have to understand that your parents still see you as their child (and they will forever see you in that light). Because you are their child and are still living under their authority, it is not too much to ask for you to be respectful of their ideas, values, and beliefs. This does not mean that you have to agree with them, but you do have to understand that one day you will be fully independent and can at this point in your life more fully express your own personal views of life. Keep Open Lines of Communication Remember the statement earlier about the lines of communication often being closed on one end? Well, the truth is that you are the one who often refuses to keep the lines open. When communicating with your parents, use the following tips: 1) Talk to your parents no matter what. If you find it difficult to have a conversation with your parents, then get over it!! Make it a point to engage your parents in conversation every time the opportunity arises. Actively pursuing conversation with your parents may surprise you and them as to how much closer it can bring you together as a family. 2) Offer details about your life. Many teenagers hate the fact that their parents ask them a million questions a day. What they don’t understand is that their parents are just trying to be a part of their life and be in touch with the things that are taking place in their world. If you don’t want your parents to ask all those dreaded questions, take the time to offer your parents details about football practice, cheerleading, the movie you watched with your friends, your day at school or work, etc...Offering details about the things surrounding your life will help keep your parents informed while keeping you from being frustrated at playing 20 questions. However, do expect this to keep you parents from asking you any questions at all—it’s part of their job to ask. 3) Ask your parents about their day. If you really want to shock your parents, take the time to engage in conversation about the things taking place in their life. Many teenagers are so concerned with their own world that they fail to notice what is going on in the world of those around them. Take the time to put yourself aside and give a little focus to those people who you love and respect—namely your parents. 4) Be honest. It is often difficult to be honest in a difficult situation. However, the old saying “Honesty is the best policy” indeed has its merits. Parents have a way of eventually finding out the truth, so it is better to be honest in the beginning and admit your mistakes. If you want to be seen as a mature person, be mature enough to accept the consequences of your actions in the face of honesty and truthfulness. These four easy tips, when followed, can dramatically improve the level of communication between you and your parents. Take charge of the conversation by actively engaging your parents and by putting the power of communication on your side. Trust me, this is the best possible way to show your parents that you are maturing as a young adult. Disagree without Disrespect It is evident that parents and their children, no matter what age they may be, are going to have disagreements. It is often these disagreements that place barriers between parent and child as beliefs and opinions clash. The biggest barriers often arise as children, especially teenagers, become disrespectful to their parents. Next time you and your parents disagree, and believe me when I say that you will, use the following tips in order to make the disagreement a little less disrespectful: 1) Don’t make it personal. Remember the reason for the disagreement. It is not your parent that you are upset with, it is their opinion or belief that has ruffled your feathers. If you can focus on the problem and not the person then you are one major step ahead in settling the dispute peacefully. 2) Avoid putting down your their beliefs. Remember that your parents are people too, and therefore they are entitled to their own ideas, beliefs, and opinions. Just because they don’t see things exactly as you do does not mean that their beliefs don’t have merit or value. Try to understand why they feel the way they do. Many times we fail to forget that situations in their lives may have a great impact on how they feel or what they believe. Putting down their beliefs may be putting down their very being. 3) Use “I” statements when disagreeing. I realize that most teenagers think their parents don’t know anything, but that does not give you the right to tell them that. Instead of focusing your energy toward what you think your parents don’t know or can’t understand, try to focus your energy on how you feel and why you feel that way. If you, and your parents, can focus on your own personal response to the disagreement then you can more smoothly reach a conclusion and/or a compromise to the situation at hand. 4) Listen, don’t always talk. Again, your parents are people and are therefore entitled to their side of the story. When your parents have something to say, listen to them. You may be surprised at why your parents feel the way they do if you just take the time to listen to what they have to say. Many arguments are prolonged simply because one party does not take the time to hear the other party out when they have something to say. Talk to other Adults You may find at times that there are just certain things you would rather not talk to your parents about. In these situations it is best that you have another adult that you feel comfortable approaching with difficult issues. This other adult may be a teacher, counselor, youth minister, parent of a close friend, or older brother or sister. Whoever it is, make sure that it is someone you can trust to give you sound advice and honest feedback. There is one thing you must be aware of when talking with other adults—everything you want kept confidential may not be kept confidential. Now, I’m not saying that this other adult is going to make your problems the center of gossip when they gather with their family or friends; but I am saying that certain issues (sexual abuse, physical abuse, criminal activity, etc...) can not go un-addressed. As a responsible adult, they have an obligation to confront the proper agencies if certain issues arise. Other adults can be a great resource for you when you have difficult issues in your life. Sometimes you may have issues that you don’t feel comfortable bringing before your parents; other times you may need this “other” adult to give you advice on how to properly approach your parents with an issue. Whatever the case, it is a good idea to have another trustworthy adult in your life as a support resource.